You Need To Accept The Separation To Be Able To Do Your Duel

There is nothing sadder than leaving the house, the corners full of nostalgia and above all, that emptiness in the bed.

Victoria asked me to work on a background song while she did a task that I had assigned her. The soft voice of Pablo Milanés seemed to caress her tears as she dared to hum it:

“There are still traces of moisture

Their smells already fill my loneliness

In bed, her silhouette is drawn like a promise

To fill the short space, where it is not … »

She never believed that this cruel moment was going to come into her life. Does someone get married with the possibility of a separation in mind? There is nothing sadder than leaving the house, the corners full of nostalgia and above all, that emptiness in the bed.

“He wants me to leave the house,” she whispered between broken tears. My home, the walls that I painted myself, my garden, I have nowhere to take my things, and our dog?

Home is always a place to accumulate good memories and not so good ones. It is the place where joys and sorrows are impregnated everywhere, as marks of our existence under that roof. She, like most people who receive this ultimatum, had within her the hope of a miracle.

“I did not see it coming”

That is the phrase that almost all people who are faced with a sudden separation utter with immense pain and surprise. A separation is always sailing in an unknown sea where a multitude of fears are confused with the immense waves of anguish and departure. Perhaps this is the worst part of being a therapist: reminding yourself that a separation is never surprising, there are always signs.

No, not everything was harmony

Pretending to live a lie is the worst betrayal that can be done to love. Real love brings moments of bliss at the top, but also steep slopes down the hill, down the slope. As Carl Jung once said, everything that has a name exists because there is an opposite. Saying to yourself: “we were so good, there was always harmony between us” is to idealize the situation you have been living. Surely there were moments of discord that you do not remember today, afternoons of accumulated rage and hidden crying. Phrases like “I need something different”, “I can’t take it anymore”, “I have to work late”, “don’t wait up for me” once you heard them and probably wanted to erase them from your memory.

Dissent is not an enemy that you should not remember, on the contrary, it is necessary that you bring it to your memory to assemble the puzzle or puzzles and start to duel for the game.

Don’t be blind to unpleasant feelings

Those unavoidable feelings, such as anger, boredom, anger, sadness, and indifference, are often beacons shining in the shadows of any marriage in crisis. Take time to see the image of the puzzle in all its dimensions, do not stay with the box of chocolates that surely came after some strong discussion, or the passionate and wild encounter after a painful confession that you did not want to hear. Try to recreate as if you were an expert in crime scenes, the scenes where those feelings were present, rewind your story if necessary until it makes sense. If you ignore the clues, you will feel cheated and surely the resentment will take hold of you, making it impossible for you to heal internally.

Be aware of the other party’s pain

It was not easy for him to ask you to leave, it does not mean that he also does not suffer. Perhaps you are surrounded by your fears, your own feelings and needs, but the other party is also going through the same thing. He also has on the other side of the door, an avalanche of questions, feelings of anger, pain, sadness, discouragement and distrust. Perhaps he cries wondering why you couldn’t see him signals, or why you weren’t attentive to his change requests.

Get caught up in the pain

Don’t try to get caught up in the pain, but to transcend it. To develop a duel, it is necessary to face the sadness of knowing that love was not enough and that resentment does not let you live the game and accept it. In that sense, these articles will help you:

Read: Does your marriage have symptoms of divorce?

Or you can also read: A new life after divorce

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