When I Found Out I Lost You: Miscarriage

Miscarriage causes intense and deep pain; however, there are things that can be done to begin to heal and remind you that you are still a mother and your baby is still yours.

Nothing can prepare you to face the following words: “Sorry, but we can’t find the heartbeat: you’ve lost the baby.” In just a few seconds you feel that you have fallen into your worst nightmare, you enter denial and at the same time depression while your tears fall freely on your cheeks. The pain of a miscarriage is difficult to describe, and perhaps such a task should not be attempted, for all the words in the world are inappropriate, despite what we can learn from this silent loss. However, what you should try is to describe what we can do to heal from such loss, not in order to forget – for you never forget the baby you lost – but to move on and honor her memory.

It is called miscarriage, the death of a baby before twenty weeks of pregnancy, which makes it difficult to know why a baby is lost, and makes the whole process complicated for parents, since there is not much evidence of his life , not a grave where they can go; However, this does not indicate that your baby was not real or lived, IT WAS REAL FOR YOU and that is all you need to know. Here are some tips that can help you heal from that deep wound; It is important to mention that you do not have to do everything I advise, just do what YOU feel will be of benefit to you and your family.


Don’t pretend it didn’t exist

You may think that if you stop talking about the event, you will no longer feel pain; but it is not like that, the pain grows and becomes almost unbearable when you keep silence. Don’t try to convince yourself that your baby never existed: talk about your experience with those you trust. Let your acquaintances offer you their love and support —even if for some reason they cannot understand you— and above all, do not seek to forget, because your heart will always let you know that the love of a mother is never forgotten.


Give it a name

This step is difficult for some couples, since they never knew if it was a boy or a girl; however, follow your maternal instincts and give him a name, or even a loving nickname. The point is that this baby has something personal, and you have a way of calling it.


Create something physical

As I mentioned before in these cases there is no physical place where we can go to leave flowers, but that does not mean that you cannot create such a place. You can buy a box and put everything you have that relates to this baby, such as ultrasound photos, any clothes that you have bought, photos etc. The point is to have something physical that solidifies your experience, because losing someone you didn’t know creates ambiguous pain, but creating tangible things helps with pain and grief.

4. Flow with your emotions

Accept ALL your emotions, both sad and happy. All these emotions are going to come and go like a roller coaster, so accept them: if you want to cry, cry. If you want to laugh, laugh; do not stop. 

__5. Lean on your partner

Pain can separate, but in the midst of adversity, it can also unite you to your husband, and to find comfort and support in his arms.

A miscarriage breaks your heart, and you cannot expect that by doing these things that I have suggested, the pain will go away immediately. What I can tell you is that how much or little it helps you, it will be of benefit to you. A mother does not stop being one because she did not have the opportunity to hold her child. A mother is one, because of the love we develop for our children, long before we see their eyes; for the devotion and sacrifices we make of our own free will, before they can say I love you; you are  a mother because you decided so and nothing in the world can change it.

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