Many times we want to solve a communication problem, but we don’t know how. We think that if at least someone told us how to solve it, we would make an effort to do things right.
Love conquers all? Yes and no. It is not enough that there is love in the couple for things to always go well. Even when love is great enough to translate into works, there are things we must know how to do to make our relationship work better. Things like communicating effectively, for example.
Here are some lights to help you communicate better with your partner. Before, this clarification: the first four are basic, fundamental principles. The rest, only techniques that complement the former.
Discussing is not debating
Arguing involves trying to reach an agreement or a middle ground; While debating is trying to win, to impose a point of view, it can even provoke a fight; win at all costs. Communication as a couple can be many things, less the latter. That is why good communication in the couple is so important.
Don’t seek to speak, listen
Try to understand what your partner is feeling and thinking. Try to understand and find the reason, not to win the argument. It is what leads from silence, to monologue, to dialogue in the couple.
speak as clearly and directly as possible
The more open and clear communication is, there will be less misunderstanding. Therefore, before understanding your partner, you must understand yourself.
Never lie to your partner. Lying only leads to lack of confidence, doubt, and resentment. And it is the main poison of communication.
Now for the practical tips. Maybe you don’t need all of them or, in any case, don’t try to implement all of them at the same time, but take the ones you need the most, and little by little work with them:
Address conflict situations when they have time and conditions are right
Don’t ignore problems, but find the right time to discuss them.
Make sure you understand
That is, listen to your spouse and then repeat what they said in your own words, to make sure you understand. Phrases like: “If I understand correctly, what you are trying to tell me is that …?” They help to have clear communication and avoid possible misunderstandings.
Talk one point at a time
And when this is resolved, then they can move on to another point, not before.
Beware of cognitive distortions
Instead of reacting immediately to what your partner says or does, stop and see if it is something that he has done, or if it is a cognitive distortion.
Take some time daily
Part of nurturing marriage (feeding that delicate plant that is marriage) is to stop paying attention to children, problems, television and cell phones, and listen to your partner and thus strengthen your marriage.
Establish rules in the discussion
For example, if you are touching on a sensitive or difficult topic, it is recommended that both of you agree that if someone is losing their temper, take a break and then, in a cooler mood, resume the discussion.
Speak in the first person, not the second
For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your things everywhere,” say, “I feel desperate when you leave your things lying around, because I feel like it was useless for me to pick up.” Phrases such as: “I need …”, “I would like …”, “I feel …”, help in situations of disagreement as a support to express your feelings and to help both of you avoid becoming defensive, because, in Instead of accusing, you express a need.
Don’t interrupt when your partner talks
Better ask questions, and you will discover ways to resolve the conflict.
Above all, don’t hurt
When an argument arises, avoid comments that will harm your partner, or bring up events that happened years ago, and think that ironic or sarcastic comments completely interrupt the communication. For the same reason, think carefully before answering. Do not forget that the goal of the discussion is to solve a problem, not to vent frustrations, not to punish your partner.
Think that your spouse is not guilty of everything
The blame for problems never falls 100 percent on one person. Start by sharing the responsibility for the situation, accepting that you are also part of the solution to the problem. Never assume that the responsibility is all of your partner.
Pay attention to non-verbal communication
Gestures, body posture, touch, eye contact, and tone of voice make up 93 percent of communication; words, only 7 percent. Pay attention to your own non-verbal cues and what they might convey to your spouse. Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication; So when you speak, make an intentional effort to touch yourself gently.
Be careful about asking for things
Education and love tones always work better than yelling and screaming.
Be clear about the expectations you have about your partner, and state them clearly
She can never read your mind or guess what you do not tell her.
Try to be an assertive person
Both one extreme (that of imposing the point of view) and the other (that of being completely submissive) prevent true communication. Express your feelings, ideas and convictions clearly.
Always try to find out what is behind each discussion
Experience has taught me that almost every discussion is an iceberg , where only the discussion is seen, but beneath it there is a great unspoken need.
I close with closely related ideas: 1. Again, love does not solve everything, but because we love we are willing to put aside pride, pride, and try to improve our communication. 2. Misunderstandings can be like weeds, preventing love from developing and even stifling it. I hope these tips can help you improve the quality of communication in your partner. And if you think they might be useful to someone you know, please don’t hesitate to share them with him or her.