“They work yes or yes, because they refer to the two most basic and important needs of marriage,” the experts explain.
These two questions work to fix any relationship, even after an infidelity. “They work because they address the two most basic and important needs in marriage,” explains Kira Asatryan.
When a relationship is going through turbulence, it is always because there is a disagreement. When this takes place, we all tend to use all verbal and non-verbal forms to explain to our partner what bothered, hurt or wants us. We both put so much effort into this that we stop listening to what the other is trying to tell us, so it is vital that we alter this pattern that we all use, but that never works.
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1. What do you want me to understand better?
As simple as that. You turn the dynamics of the conversation around and become the receiver, opening the possibility that your partner stops feeling like they have to compete with you to get your attention.
This question covers the two most important factors in any love relationship: Show that you are open to having good communication, and that your partner and their feelings are so important to you that you don’t mind hearing them first.
This simple change will cause even the most obfuscated discussion to drop more than 1000 decibels of negative discharge, making the other person open to a more sincere dialogue, ceasing to feel the need to attack or defend themselves.
But the most important thing about this question is that you will receive the most valuable information you can ask for. You will understand what it is that your partner wants you to know, what exactly bothers or hurts him, or what is the situation that prompted him to do what he did that led them to the place where their relationship is today.
2. What would that be like for you?
If the math doesn’t apply to an answer, then it is most likely subjective. Things are subjective when they are subject to the perception of the observer. For example, something that for someone is the best work of art they have ever seen, for another it may be, a stain on a blank camba.
In love it is exactly the same. Thousands of fights could be avoided with this simple question.
For example, I get up every morning at five thirty. Not long ago, I agreed to get together with a friend for a run; I told her not to meet up so early because it was Saturday and it is the only day I can get up later, she arrived at my house at 10:30 in the morning. I frustrated told him that I thought he was not going to come. She grumbling told me that I told her not to come so early. Sure, for her who gets up every morning at eight thirty, ten thirty sounds like not so early, but for me, ten thirty is super late. On Saturdays I don’t get up at half past five, but I get up at seven.
We ended up not going for a run, just because of a poor communication problem.
In love the same happens. If she wants him to be ‘more loving’ and he wants ‘to pay more attention to her’, it still remains to be defined: What would that look like.
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When your partner asks you for something or you ask him, you must specify what what you want really means. “I want you to arrive earlier.” Ten minutes earlier? One hour? Better say, I want you to be home at 6 in the afternoon, because later things get complicated for me.
If you want him to be more loving, say what you mean specifically. More kisses, what hug you more, what take you by the hand, etc.?
The less they leave to the other’s free interpretation, the easier things will be in the relationship.