That is one of the 4 Laws of the Mirror. Get to know them to learn to identify the reflection in the other or in yourself.
We are social beings by nature. That means we build on relationships. It is from the other that we can build our own identity. Through language, words, conversation with others, we can name reality. By naming it, we relate to it, we reflect on that reality.
Depending on the effect others have on us, we can become aware of ourselves. It is through this reflection that we can destroy relationships, if the reflection displeases us and we do not want to see something of ourselves in others, if we are confronted with what causes something of them in us.
It is also through reflection that we can grow as people, do a self-review, and broaden our consciousness. It is then necessary to work to understand, and perhaps modify certain behaviors.
How can we use that mirror to our advantage, and to our relationships? I’ll explain it to you below.
The 4 points of the Mirror Law
1 What bothers me about the other, I have it inside of me.
Surely you have read the typical phrase that what shocks you, checks you. This refers to the fact that what bothers you about the other is because it is most likely that you are like that. For example, if it bothers you that someone is too controlling, you will most likely tend to do the same. Some people flatly deny it. Sometimes in these cases it may not be the same. You are likely to do the opposite, and being the opposite is the same issue.
For example, you may get upset with another who is very “selfish”, who only thinks about himself. The person who gets upset could say “I am very generous, I am always thinking of others.” That is precisely why it shocks him, because he does not “dare” to say no to others, he cannot. It is the opposite. The other cannot give. And the reflection is that he who gives to others, paradoxically, cannot give himself anything.
2 All that the other criticizes me, or claims me, if he hurts me, is that I still do not accept it in myself
If, for example, Mariana complains to her partner Juan who is very angry, Juan gets very angry. That means Juan does not accept his angry, aggressive part. Juan thinks it is bad to get angry, and that he should not do it. That is why when they tell him that he is angry, the more he gets angry. Accepting a personal characteristic that we do not like is the first step to be able to modify it.
3 Everything that the other criticizes me without affecting me, is their reflection or projection
For example, in the same case above, if Mariana tells Juan that he is very angry, and Juan does not get upset, it is surely that Mariana is the one who cannot accept her part of anger. She is the one who has to work on it. In accepting it, and in seeing what to do with that anger.
4 Everything that I like and love about the other, I can see and appreciate because it exists in me
When you can see something that you love in the other, that you recognize and appreciate, it is that you are the same. For example, if Mariana tells Juan that he is a veryaffectionateMariana is loving too, and that’s why she can see it in Juan. That does not mean that Juan is not affectionate, but that Mariana can see him because she knows him, because she is. They are both actually loving.
Being able to work in the laws of the mirror and in recognizing something of one’s own, serves to be able to accept that personal characteristic. Not only to know yourself, but also to modify it.
How to modify a characteristic that we consider negative?
First, as we said before, recognize that it is ours. It is as simple as wanting to have a glass: in order to hold it I need to see it, feel it, look at it, know that it is there.
Then it is important to recognize how it arose, what role it played, and what is positive in our lives. This is important, since what we don’t like we don’t necessarily have to eliminate. Perhaps, just knowing how and when to use that resource.
For example, if someone is very angry, they don’t have to deny being angry forever. The point of growing in that subject is not to be angry all the time, but to be able to use anger for what it is: to defend yourself.
Also understand where so much anger comes from, in order to heal it. And understand that that anger had a function, which is generally to survive, only that it stops working because it is no longer necessary. But anger is still a resource in some circumstances.
What are these laws for?
To be able to recognize if something is your own or belongs to the other. Always being in relationship with another or others is also being in constant review with oneself. Reflexes serve to grow and be a better person, and consequently, improve our relationships.
When something bothers you about the other, remember to check what it is that generates you to know how to identify if that annoyance is born from the reflection in the other. This analysis will help you to improve your social relationships to stop living “in shock” and to enjoy relationships with others in harmony.