After a breakup there is usually a strong fear of starting a new relationship, how to start a relationship without that fear being an obstacle?
After a breakup, be it from a courtship or marriage, there is usually a strong fear of starting a new relationship. However, on many occasions, you do have the desire to live as a couple. How to face this fear? How to start a relationship without that fear being an obstacle?
Many of the answers are much further behind than we think. Not in previous relationships only, but, even more important, in primary relationships. That is, relationships with mom and dad.
Many of the people who start a new relationship, tend to have strong feelings of fear, anxiety, heart palpitations, and butterflies in the stomach. But not those pleasant ones, after receiving a message or call, but those that wear out, and that leave the body exhausted with an unpleasant sensation. Those that accompany with the feeling that everything will go wrong, with ideas of abandonment, or of being insufficient.
It is believed that the greatest enemy of love is hatred, and the greatest obstacle is fear. In order not to be hurt, we put up millions of obstacles that prevent us from risking loving again and being loved again.
These feelings have to do with unhealed stories. And that may be related to several topics that I explain below.
The immediate past
When there is a breakdown in a relationship, it is important to give space to grieve. Being able to overcome the pain of loss, and recovering the lessons learned from the mistakes made in the relationship, will be a relevant factor to be able to have more resources for a new relationship. These resources will even help in other relationships as well.
The pain for the end of a life project, and for the death of a relationship, is totally natural. It is important to be able to go through it in order to generate space for a new person. Failure to do so may lead to a lot of confusion, feelings of guilt, and even complaints to the new partner for issues of a previous partner.
It can even happen that there are unfinished duels of several people from the past, who are on top of each other, making everything much more complicated. Going through the duel, taking a space to say goodbye, not physically, but in the heart, will be important to be ready for a new stage.
It often happens that before a breakup, one of the two members of a couple is blamed. One is usually painted as the “bad guy” and the other as the “victim” of the bad guy. Sometimes both members live as victims, and paint the other as the culprit of all their ills.
It is essential to be able to recover personal responsibility for what happened. Know, that they both committed mistakes, that they both gave the best they could. That both of them got hurt. To be able to realize, what is the way in which you hurt the other. Even what is the way in which you allow the other to hurt you. Healing your heart, and your way of relating to others.
Take it all
The slogan is to be able to look at the whole relationship, taking the gifts of shared history, of those wonderful memories: words, trips, hugs, learning. Even of thesonsthat arose from that love. Take it all, without denying or erasing anything. Take everything to take it with you in your life; even despite the pain of the breakup.
It’s those gifts that make the relationship worthwhile, despite the pain, despite the breakup. Assuming the growth that comes with the pain that the relationship entails. It is in this growth of consciousness that one can hope to later have a lasting relationship.
The deep past
If you can really look at your broken relationship, you will be able to touch deep, sensitive fibers; These are threads that connect to important depths that can evoke your story.
In general, relationships are so difficult and at the same time so beautiful, because it puts us in contact with that primordial love, essential to survive. The love that we have touched since childhood. The one that makes usfeel fragile, vulnerable, yet powerful and radiant. That one, that when touching the hand of the other – mom or dad – makes us feel supported. In hugs, when we remember being carried by our parents. It is our turn for the injured child. It reminds us of everything we needed from our parents. The fibers of when we were little move us.
This is why the fights and differences in the couple’s relationships suddenly become overwhelming, incomprehensible, and suddenly, out of logic. It has another logic: that of the heart that only feels the present and relates it to old cellular memories.
Working in the relationship is working with the inner child. It is the quintessential spiritual growth where we can heal, and become our true selves.
Be in the present
It is about overcoming the past, both from previous relationships and childhood, as it will be what allows us to be in a new relationship in a fresh, renewed way, totally in the present; solving the difficulties that arise in proportion, and without greater emotions than those that occur at the moment.
It is being able to look straight ahead, and really look at the other, without looking at the ghosts of the past. It is to integrate all the history lived, to look to the future without fear.
Being able to know that you are capable of facing the future, even a new break. Not because it stops caring or hurting. Not because this is the promise and guarantee that it will work. But because the adult capable of going through everything is there, to live and love.