Losing who we love is like being suddenly empty-handed, after a hug: for now, your arms will try to hold on to what is no longer there.
A few days ago I heard sad news: of the two babies that a dear friend was expecting, one of them, the girl, died a few days after birth. When I had a chance to talk to her about it, one of the things she told me was that she wanted “to go away with her little girl, but she couldn’t be so selfish.”
I did not try to console her, I only managed to tell her that it is normal that in the face of such a great loss, the idea of surrendering to the pain passes through our head. However, they educate us — and we educate — to be strong, to resist, to put distance between ourselves and what hurts us. As if accepting that we are suffering is a bad thing. Those of us who remain have a commitment to those who have left and those who still remain: to take advantage – we, who can – the opportunity and not provoke in those we love the same pain we feel.
Read: Let’s talk about death
I cannot imagine, however, the fight this dear friend must be waging. On the one hand, a piece of her heart is gone, and on the other, she must pretend in the eyes of the world as if she were not torn, because she is expected to move on. What a challenge to continue without seeing the road! Because that is what happens when, faced with a traumatic experience like this, they ask us to close our eyes and keep moving forward. How are we expected to be successful if we cannot face sadness, absence, suffering?
Losing who we love is like suddenly being left empty-handed after a hug: for now, your arms will try to cling to what is no longer there. But little by little you will close them, adapting to the shape of your body to end up in a hug that caresses you or suffocates you, that will depend, no matter how painful, on you. And you can only get to that point by undoing the skein of your feelings, living them, understanding them, making them part of your life, in order to go through them and continue.
How to live pain, to live without pain?
1. Don’t pretend
You’re not okay, don’t pretend to be. If you feel like crying, do it; If you want to scream, scream You are in mourning, in all its bitterness, live it!
2. Talk helps
Letting go of our emotions is definitely therapeutic, although don’t force yourself either: if you don’t want to, feel free to say so.
3. A matter of time
I don’t know if time really heals wounds, but one thing it does do is teach us to live with absences. You need time, give it to yourself!
4. Find your answers
Death, although natural, is something we don’t really know how to deal with. However, for our mental health it is important to explain what happened. We are rational and our nature is to understand. Find your answers.
5. Staying alive is not forgetting
Do not feel guilty, or believe that there is something wrong with you. Usually we insist on holding on to the memory because we believe that if we don’t we will forget, and we see forgetting as betrayal.
Meet the new you, pain changes us. Don’t pretend to go back to what you were, don’t be afraid to be this new person; accept it and accept yourself.
Read: 14 toxic emotions that you must control, before they destroy your life
You can also read: You need to accept the separation to be able to do your grief