Despite divorce, parents must continue to be the rock and standard for their children, and they will only achieve it united in the purpose of loving and giving them values. Read in this note how you can achieve it:
On my wedding day, I believed that I would live a whole life united with the man who at that moment became my husband; but it was not like that. We were married in a civil way, with the illusion of receiving God’s blessing later on, but that day did not come and instead, three years later we were in a place similar to where we got married, but this time to sign the divorce.
Although my ex-husband and I had parted ways long before the documents were signed, it was still a difficult day for me. However, with the passage of time it was necessary to leave that man behind as a husband and see her as the father of my child. To be fair, we didn’t make it, we couldn’t be friends! Communication was completely broken from the moment of our separation, and although this did not prevent love from being established between my son and his father, I know that the relationship could have been closer and more meaningful. But it is precisely my failure that leads me to write this note, because I am convinced that despite the divorce, parents must continue to be the rock and standard for their children, and they will only achieve it united in the purpose of loving them and giving them values. . Here’s how you can do it:
1. Prepare for the new husband-to-father relationship
After the divorce, it takes time to recover, to look at that person who was your husband from another perspective. But sometimes the issue of children does not allow time to close the wounds and heal; so there is no alternative but to heal as contact is established.
My suggestion is that you prepare a little before making contact with your ex. This preparation basically consists of making yourself aware that that person is no longer your husband, and although forgiveness sometimes takes a long time to come, you need to make a great effort leaving behind blame and accusations. Now the central topic of the conversations should be your children, their education, their health, their expenses and so on.
2. Do not manipulate him with the children
It is not a good idea to use children as a pressure mechanism, whatever the objective. A well recognized form of manipulation is Parental Alienation Syndrome in children ; whose main characteristic is the transformation of the child’s consciousness, through different strategies used by one of her parents, to achieve the development of a pathological hatred in the child towards her other parent.
Children are left very vulnerable to divorce, allowing them to continue in contact with their father. Never speak ill of their parent to them and let the children as they grow up and interact with them make up their own minds. On the contrary, always encourage respect and love for him.
3. Respect the emotional life of your ex-husband
It’s normal to be curious about what’s going on in your ex-husband’s emotional life, but my best advice or suggestion is to forget about it. Life just goes on! And the only way to validate our own right to move on is to allow the other to have that right as well. Go ahead with your life, look for a new horizon and new illusions, especially if the divorce has been the result of an infidelity on her part.
4. Never exclude it from decisions and special moments in your children’s lives
Make him a participant in all the important decisions and special moments in your children’s lives: their birthdays, school presentations, and so on. At this point it is important to evaluate, for example, with respect, the decisions that require a real intervention from the father of your children. Not everything deserves to be consulted. In the new dynamic there are small decisions that can be resolved between you and your children.
5. Avoid becoming his confidante or tear cloth
A cordial and friendly treatment is necessary to allow the relationship to progress positively. However, I do not consider it convenient to go to the extreme of becoming your ex-husband’s confidante or tear-cloth. In the first place I think that you will not be able to be entirely objective when giving an opinion and on the other hand, it may be that you misinterpret these approaches and end up hurt. Many women hold on to this thin thread of illusion for years, waiting for the moment when their ex-husband’s current relationship fails. If this is your case, I just want to tell you: life has more rewarding and special things for you, surround yourself with people who love you.
To conclude, I consider that friendship with your ex-husband is possible, but never forget that it must be closely related to the care and raising of your children. I invite you to read this beautiful article The purpose of life in marriage.