In The Name Of Love. Or, Is It Possible To Love Without Emotional Dependence?

Learn to feel empowered to live a full and complete life even when the other is with you.

I would not say that it is possible at all. Whether you like it or not, a strong affective dependence is generated by the loved one. Nor do I think it is possible to end a relationship without paying a fee of suffering. However, I am convinced that it is possible to love by paving the way, which frees us from emotional dependence and helps us find ways of loving that provide us with greater personal fulfillment. Here’s how to do it:

Identify if you are an emotionally dependent person

For Walter Riso, psychologist and expert in affective relationships, emotional dependence is closely related to emotional immaturity. In his, Riso mentions several behaviors that identify immature people on an emotional level:

  • They cannot bear the independent discomfort that causes it.

  • They are addicted to novelty and the stimulation of emotions; their life becomes boring if there is no crying, drama or, on the contrary, if they do not experience the feelings of falling in love.

  • They have a low tolerance for frustration.

  • They care more about their emotions than about solving the problems that generate them.

  • They don’t know themselves very much.

  • They have an illusion of permanence, they are not prepared for loss. They are convinced that the world is static and that everything is forever.

  • They have little self-control; they usually act first and then reflect on their actions.

The above will guide you to determine what level of emotional maturity you are at. Read below some behaviors of emotionally dependent people:

  • His life revolves around the life of his partner; They do not have a life of their own, they do not have projects, friends, they are not attracted to sharing spaces with other people.

  • When they argue or have a pending situation to solve with their partner, they can hardly concentrate on any activity.

  • They are extremely jealous and demand exclusivity, they do not accept that their partners have a social life outside of their relationship.

  • They obsessively think about their partner, what they did, what they will do, the arguments, the reconciliations; your emotional relationship invades your thoughts.

  • They accept any emotional abuse, they even accept physical aggression and infidelity, all “in the name of love.”

  • They have low self-esteem and insecurity.

What you can do to overcome emotional dependence

From the outset, it will not be an easy task, because it implies a change in the pattern of your thoughts and your actions; but you can advance little by little until you find the point of balance. Check out these tips to get it:

  • Choice of partner. Much of the emotional ordeal that a person experiences because of a relationship that does not provide a secure bond, has to do with the inappropriate choice of the partner. In other articles, I have mentioned how the bond established in childhood, with the parents, determines the dynamics of the affective relationships that the person will establish in their adult life. However, it would be worth reviewing this point before establishing a relationship, and avoid bonding with people who do not generate emotional stability. Identify emotional deficiencies and overcome them, without waiting for someone to come into your life to fill that emotional void.
  • To be loved for who you are. Learn to value yourself and recognize that you are a being worthy of love. Don’t change your essence to conform to someone else’s irrational desires. It is one thing to reach agreements on certain situations, to grow and evolve as a person in favor of a relationship, and quite another is to cancel out, lose the meaning of life, stop being just to please the other.
  • Strengthen your security and self-confidence. This is one of the aspects that the emotionally dependent person must work with with greater commitment and responsibility. Confident people do not fear abandonment, they trust that if they face it they have all the resources to move on. They do not jealous or overwhelm their partners, on the contrary, they know how to trust them; allowing them to have a rewarding and peaceful life outside of their relationship. This article tells you how to beat insecurity.
  • Live your life. It is knowing that you are able to live a full and complete life even when you have a partner, with a sense of life of your own and a taste and pleasure for life independent of the one that generates that relationship.
  • Change the perspective. An emotionally dependent person must give up many beliefs if he wants to break free. According to Riso, affective attachment is a mental and emotional bond (obsessive, in general) to certain people, originated in the irrational belief that this bond will provide, in a unique and permanent way, pleasure, security or self-realization. This aspect is key on the path of personal fulfillment. There are many things that can bring you happiness beyond the relationship itself: academic achievements, hobbies , job success, and so on.

It is normal to want a relationship that provides us with happiness and satisfaction to last “forever.” It may be that your partner accompanies you for the rest of your days, but if not, you must be sure that life will continue despite this, and that you have a way to face it. Let go of fear and enjoy the experience of life in all its dimensions.

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