Couples who face crises in isolation have less capacity to withstand the storms and hurricanes that pass over them. Choose a good therapist to help you weather the storm.
Perhaps acting like the redwoods is one of the possible answers. Irene goes over and over the pockets of her husband’s shirts with obsessive insistence, turns over the agenda and e-mail. As she settles down to write to me and ask for my help from somewhere in the world, she looks out the window as the tree that she planted together with Gustavo is shedding its leaves, shaken by pain.
Yes, while this happens in the backyard of your house, inside you all the certainty that love is forever falls apart. Suddenly, he puts his hand to his throat, hoarse from screaming the pain that bleeds fifteen years of marriage. She remembers the day that he was packing the thick suitcases of new dreams and illusions, and that she wished, from the depths, that those dreams would end in nightmares and fierce torments, like her agony at losing him.
Remembering hurts. Gustavo is placidly opening the door that will take him into Carla’s arms. “Don’t be bitter, I’ll be back in a few days,” he says to her, while he kisses her forehead with a devotion that incomprehensibly crumbles Irene’s desire to kill him. Gustavo returned after eight weeks. It was then that Irene asked me who to turn to to find out how to act, since family and friends had opinions all the time and in very different ways. Furthermore, Gustavo said that he loved her and that he was confused.
These names are fictitious, but you know? In the last few days I have received half a hundred emails from torn women and men; Many allege that what led them to a double love life was the lack of attention from their spouse, even on a sexual level, abuse in all its facets and financial difficulties.
Regardless of your relationship as a couple, in the face of any crisis, my response is based on the example of the redwoods. These trees are gigantic and grow hundreds of meters into the sky, resisting winds, storms, forest fires and all the calamities you can imagine. How do you stand up to the tests? The answer is to go to your roots. Unlike other trees, redwoods have external roots that intertwine with each other from tree to tree, thus creating a network of roots that reinforce and strengthen community.
Couples who face crises in isolation have less capacity to withstand the storms and hurricanes that pass over them. Those couples who seek advice and guidance from therapists, marriage counselors, and family counselors are successful. Some things to consider when seeking professional help from a couples therapist include the following:
1. Registered professional
Regardless of the type of therapist, keep in mind that they must have specialized training and a license as a family therapist, accredited by an agency in the State where you live.
2. Strong link
This bond must be based on respect, impartiality, empathy and unconditional acceptance, but with the ability to confront the partner integrating strength and tenderness.
3. Have optimism
It must convey to the couple the confidence that they can achieve it. It is not about being a delusion, but someone who believes that life has meaning in all circumstances; shows optimism towards those he accompanies, always emphasizing the positive in each couple.
In addition to considering these points, I suggest you ask him questions like these: Are you a licensed psychologist? How many years have you been practicing psychology? What are your strongest areas? Do you work with children and couples? Do your fees consider vulnerable social situations? If I lose my job, will you stop serving me?
Don’t be on the agenda of a divorce judge when you can find someone to help you. My favorite therapist, Irvin Yalom, once said, “Bonding is what heals.” Hold on to that idea when choosing a professional, because what helps you get ahead is that magical bond that is generated between who needs help and who provides it. And how well Oscar Pech says, beware of pop psychology and charlatans that undermine this work that some of us take as a sweet and sacrificial ministry.