Have you ever wondered what makes us cheat? Understanding it can help you avoid a lot of pain.
When I started researching this topic, I believed that men committed more infidelities than women, and I dedicated myself to elucidating why men tend to be unfaithful. But as my grades grew, I realized not only that women are statistically equally unfaithful to men, but that the motivations are also very similar. The difference: men are more likely to show off these types of conquests and women live their adventures with a silencer. Outside of that, everything is the same deep down.
The apparent reason
If women and men are unfaithful alike, what motivates them? When an infidelity has been evidenced and the couple is confronted (either in private or in a therapy session), men generally allege that the woman is increasingly indifferent or impolite in her privacy or neglects her appearance. When other people sweeten their ears, they give in like a child who finds a kind face that acknowledges their accomplishments and their place in the world.
Women put forward very similar reasons: they feel undervalued, treated with indifference; but sometimes they do it as revenge for a previous infidelity of their partner, so that when they find someone who treats them more cordially, they also give in. However, even though these reasons are the preferred reasons to explain infidelity, my non-professional experience (confessions from friends, etc.) shows that these reasons are secondary, stereotypical justifications for dealing with blame.
The real reason
As strange as it may sound, all the above reasons derive from a more important cause: our cultural and personal table of moral values , which today are highly focused on self-satisfaction at the cost of everything, even the well-being of our most important relationships, such as family and partner. Furthermore, some values of our culture are very difficult to eradicate. For example: the idea that women serve primarily as objects, assumed by both men and women, generates total permissiveness , for the sake of immediate satisfaction of impulses and pleasures, which feeds generalized selfishness.
My thesis on the true germ of infidelity is this:
In the same way that someone who steals believes that he can do it and sometimes convinces himself that he is doing something that he can justify or is allowed by the mere fact that he has the ability, in the same way – at least the male – is Unfaithful because he feels that he has the ability and power to do so and that nothing will happen to him . Or you convince yourself that being able to do so gives you the right to do so (either through reasoning instigated by feelings of abandonment, betrayal, revenge, or simple annoyance). We all know that the consequences come, but when the one who has been unfaithful pays high prices such as losing important things in his life for it -marriage, children, money-, it implicitly confirms his suspicion that nothing is wrong with him: most of the time the divorce – or any kind of separation – seems like a conclusive event that ends up being an expensive prize of freedom, but freedom in the end, and thus selfishness is affirmed as a practical moral value .
Before committing an infidelity, consider this
One of the fundamental concerns of all philosophy throughout the history of humanity is to understand what are our possibilities for autonomy, what are the limits of our actions. Freedom is a concept that we tend to oppose to fate at will, and that is one of the worst mistakes we can make. True: as human beings our will can be limited by many elements, but in the end we are the masters of deciding what we will do. And if not, we are completely owners of assuming the attitude and the moral or ethical profile that we decide to have.
If you are in a situation -potential or consummated- of infidelity, please take into account the following considerations, because human beings are not capable of controlling what happens as a consequence of what we do: the only way to handle the consequences is by controlling the acts that will detonate them.
1. Ask yourself why you will be unfaithful to your partner.
You are perfectly free to answer that procuring pleasure without compromise is your goal this time or for a lifetime, but make sure you know that this is the way you see the situation and also inform yourself why you will do it. If in asking yourself this question you discover that there are no valid enough reasons that would satisfy any honest examination of conscience, it is time to stop. If the reasons are a reflection of a lot of selfishness, anger or revenge, infidelity will only bring more pain, selfishness and anger. Listen to your true feelings and reason wisely.
2. Think about your commitments.
Make up your mind not to be part of the statistic. Think that if you have a girlfriend you are morally committed to being faithful to her; and if you are married, that commitment is moral, legal and even divine-religious. Any act of infidelity destroys every type of ethical conviction you have. Think about being a good example, in God, in the cosmic order, in your family members, in your children, in your friends and that you can always hold your head up if you find a way to control your impulse to be unfaithful.
3. Seek professional and spiritual help.
I am assuming that if you have reached this line it is because you want to avoid being unfaithful. See a family therapist, either alone or with your partner. Tell him about your impulse and that you want to avoid it. Therapists are experts in helping you achieve what you want. And it would not hurt if you recovered the talks with your reverend, bishop, pastor or head priest. Knowing that your good intentions are an echo of divine laws will comfort you and help you overcome adversity.